Challenging conversations (2 of 2)
The powerful combination of tools and mindset (you need both!)
In part one of this article, Leading In Challenging Conversations, you got a simple format to lead a challenging conversation. In this follow-up you will learn how to get your most creative result from these conversations.
Too long, didn’t read?
Think like a designer to avoid getting stuck and to find better solutions to problems.
The Scenario
You have a challenging project or decision that needs to be addressed. Maybe you’re facing critique or nay-saying, and hearing all the ways it WON’T work.
What you really want is to find a great idea for how to move forward.
Wouldn’t it be cool if there were a process to allow good ideas to take root in nasty nay-saying weather?
Wouldn’t it be great if there was a process that
works with groups.
works one on one.
works with just yourself.
It would! And there is one, despite or maybe because of the obstacles.
Obstacle: The Assassins
The Brainstorm Assassin
If you have ever been in a group brainstorm, you may have met someone who is very good at anticipating issues, maybe too good. I call this person the “imagination assassin.”
When I was a tech consultant, we would have design and tech brainstorm sessions. In a room full of very smart people, we would all share ideas. Unfortunately, after every suggestion, our resident idea assassin would say “mmmmmm, I don’t think that will work,” and present a compelling and logical reason why.
And after every “well, how about this other idea?” we would all brace ourselves for his “mmmmm…”
What was the impact?
His logic wasn’t wrong, but his approach killed progress. Eventually is that all of these very smart people would go quiet. Nobody felt like speaking up, just to be shot down. Even if his reasons were logical, a guaranteed “no” got pretty stale.
Honestly, it’s hard to measure the impact of lost opportunities. And I can tell you a brainstorm session filled with silence is preeeetty sad.
The Self-Assassin (in others)
Also known as the inner critic, the judge, even a saboteur, we all have a self-assassin.
And it’s much easier to see it in others!
This assassin can show up when you’re trying to work through ideas with one other person. They assassinate their own ideas!
Coaches, raise your hands. You’ve had this conversation.
Confidants, you out there? You’ve had them too.
Caretakers? Yes, I know you have too.
In the following example replace “client” with “friend,” “kid,” “parent,” “coworker.”
It still works.
Coach: Well, now that we’ve identified what you really want,
and how you’d like to get there,
what are some ways you can think of to start?
Client: I don’t know, I’ve tried everything.
Coach: Well, you mentioned that doing X would be awesome.
What might a small first step be to X?
Client: Well, sure, X would be great.
BUT I’ve tried starting this once and it didn’t work.
OR I haven’t tried that but I’m sure it won’t work.
They’re assassinating their idea exploration before giving it the space to grow.
When you see someone’s Self-Assassin show up, it’s time for some design thinking!
Your Own Self-Assassin (hello, inner critic!)
Replace both the coach and the client above with … you.
Perfectionism is one of the easiest ways to spot your own assassin. It looks a lot like not doing a thing when you’re 90% sure because you’re not sure of how 10% might go, even if the worst case on that 10% has very little impact.
Happened to me!
I realized I was falling prey to my own assassin recently. My wife and I are planning a family holiday trip. We typically trade-off responsibility for figuring out itinerary and buying travel tickets to get there.
So we discussed our plans and played the old game of “who is going to actually hit ‘buy’ on tickets.”
If I’m honest, I’ve known more or less exactly where we should go and when. But I waited. Why? Because my assassin was telling me that if I didn’t get the plan exactly right it would be a catastrophe. What if we wanted an extra day? What if we didn’t want to go after all? What if the kids complained, or she did, or I did!
If you’re not familiar with family travel, all of the above outcomes are almost always guaranteed to happen in some small amount. So, if I wait to buy tickets I get the same outcome just at a higher price as we get closer to our date.
My inner critic got me this time!
But there IS a way out if you spot it in time.
CREATIVE THINKING, ABUNDANCE MINDSET
A powerful combination
Anyone who is part of the Unleash Creativity Club membership community knows the power of amplifying and harnessing creative and abundance mindsets.
Some terms:
Harnessing does not mean controlling. It means giving it space to expand and grow. It means letting the strength of creative thinking, expansive thinking, be used and not cut off.
Creative does not mean frivolous. It means letting yourself follow paths of thinking even if frivolous because on the other side of that might lie your best idea.
Abundance does not mean you have infinite resources and no worries. It does mean that even if your choices are limited, you will make the best one you can.
When you allow creative thinking to lead down new paths, even when you are feeling trapped or disappointed by choices, you can adopt this mindset to MOVE forward.
How does it work?
In the worlds I’ve walked through, it has ALWAYS been the people willing to harness creativity who rise to the top.
And this tool is one you can use with your team, your partner, or by yourself.
Enter a proven design systems process: Diverge / Converge.
The term divergent and convergent thinking was invented in 1950 by American psychologist J.P. Guildford. We use these distinctions when feel stuck in a loop or like we are stagnating in our decisions (like waiting on buying travel tickets).
Divergent thinking is open ended.
We start the process with questions like
How might we/I solve this?
What might be a first step?
How could someone else solve this?
What would my ideal self do in this moment?
Using “might” and “could” invites imaginative thinking. You’re not saying you CAN or WILL, just imagining.
Convergent thinking is closed.
At some point, this is a good thing! When we need to decide on an action.
Questions here look like
Given the options what is the best one?
Which are we willing to try?
Where are there the least risks?
An abundance mindset is the secret ingredient.
An zero-abundance mindset is willing to take zero risks.
A frivolous mindset picks random solutions.
An abundance mindset looks at available options and says, “Which risks can I actually live with?”
This is what the process looks like (adapted from Sam Kaner1)
Now that you understand the landscape, you can enter the process.
THE TOOL : DIVERGE, CONVERGE, MINDSET
Despite the block of text below, this is only 3 steps!
Write down a decision that is currently unmade or unacted upon.
DIVERGE: Write down all the ways you MIGHT want to solve and move forward on that decision
PITFALL: The assassins might show up!
MINDSET, this is very important!
In this part of the process there is to be NO critique, NO judgement, NO “I don’t get it,” NO “That’s silly",” nothing like that.
Supportive comments are ok in small doses. “Ooh, nice idea” or “Haha, that’s a funny one” is encouraging and invites more ideas.
Supportive comments detract when they form sides. “Oh, I think that’s my favorite” or “It’s going to be hard to beat that idea!”
You can use the conversation tactics from the previous article here!
Set the goals.
Invite ideas.
Ask if there’s more.
Reflect/mirror to understand
Listen
CONVERGE: Circle or create a new list with just the ideas that you feel in some way MIGHT work.
PITFALL: The “Groan Zone” is where things can get stuck. You might have a hard time with a handful of good choices, or a polarized set of choices.
MINDSET: Abundance. This is hard to teach in writing, though much has been written on it. Ask yourself to have faith in yourself and your ability to manage or weather certain kinds of risk. For example, I didn’t buy our vacation tickets in time because I was worried about whiny kids. When I stepped back, I realized, I can weather that and I’d rather handle that than not go at all!
HOW’S THAT GOING FOR YOU?
Where in your life MIGHT you want to try out this tool?
MORE PERSONAL STORIES
These tools DO work, and I’m no exception.
My mailchimp newsletter is where I share my more personal stories and anecdotes, often bringing in insights around the mindset and creative tools I share here.