If you have a boss, kids, investors, a life partner, or employees, this tool will help you get everyone on the same page, maybe even your page. This will also help you get the best possible ideas from everyone, without burning anyone out.
This one has been coming up a lot in my 1-1 with organizational leaders and people working on relationships at home.
In a recent client session, we did some planning for a conversation they knew would be a tense one. They had good insight into the fears and insecurities of the other parties. They knew everyone wanted to form the best plan, but they didn’t know how to avoid hurt feelings and conflict in a culture very different from their own growing up. After going over the following tool, they wrote to me and said “The conversation went perfectly!”
When I give my clients this tool, it just works. If you use it, I’d love to hear about it in the comments or a private message. If you’d like support in creating amazing results, message me for a Chemistry session.
THE PROBLEM
You have a project, maybe at work, home, or the relationship itself. You may have worked on a solution in your head and have a really good idea about an action plan.
Problem is, the others aren’t in your head and likely not on the same page You may have a history of getting into a more tense or conflicted state in these conversations.
When you approach the conversation or brainstorm, defenses are up, even if the logic behind ideas are sound. Note: the defenses that are up may be your own.
Maybe a solution is reached, but people are unhappy, frustrated, or burnt out.
So how do you make sure decisions are made well AND people are happy, including you? How do you get others to see or even share your point of view?
PITFALLS
Here are four things that look like solutions, but aren’t.
Logic
First, Poking holes in someone’s idea, even if it’s easily and provably factually wrong, will automatically raise shields and you get nowhere.
Compromise
If you want red and the other person wants blue, you might think a compromise looks like purple. The problem there is that… nobody wanted purple. So your solution means nobody is happy.
Clearly defined roles
You might also think that the answer is just whoever sits at the top makes the call. Maybe it’s in the role description, or in your domain at home. That only works if everyone is happy with their role, and has faith in the decision-maker.
Saying “I understand” then presenting your counterpoint
There is very little that shows a lack of empathy than saying you understand and then presenting an idea that doesn’t address any of their spoken or unspoken needs.
It’s a universal truth that you never really know what’s going on for someone internally. If you interrupt or ignore someone’s idea then you will never know their reasons why something is important to them.
If my employee shares their worry about the workload and I say “I get it, let’s just try it this way,” as gentle as that phrasing may be it shows a lack of true listening or understanding. Trust is lost, faith down the tubes, and I have now placed us on opposite sides of conversations to come.
The above pitfalls disguised as solutions do a good job of getting a decision, but nothing else. They don’t address the most basic necessary outcome for good decisions which is to feel heard and understood.
Which leads us to
THE SOLUTION
A framework for a more empathic conversation.
If people including you feel understood, you get a harmonious team, and a happy team does better work. A happy team is more flexible, less rigid, and more creative. You also get the side benefit of modeling for others so that they too have these tools.
Even if you are the decision-maker, if others involved feel understood then decisions more smoothly lead to action and execution beyond your expectations.
Think back to the last work or relationship conflict you had that didn’t get resolved or left people frustrated. I’ll put dollars to donuts both sides felt like the other didn’t get what they were saying. And important to note I don’t even eat donuts, that’s how sure I am.
If you instead work not towards a decision but instead towards understanding, the time invested will pay dividends for a long time to come.
Let me be clear: understanding is not the same thing as agreement. You don’t have to say “yes, you’re very very smart and that is the best idea.” The tool below is a practice in objectivity, non-judgment, and curiosity. By fully understanding first, you actually gain the trust and faith you need to make better and faster decisions without conflict.
With understanding, now they’re ready for a conversation and you will have more space and a friendlier environment to share your thoughts.
THE TOOL
Write down 1-3 upcoming decisions that need to be made with 1-3 other people.
When you approach those conversations try this format:
Set the decision goal (write these down in advance)
e.g. I’d like to figure out the plan/decision for X
It could be about the next product to launch or your next vacation spot.Invite ideas
Open the floor for them to share what they think, or if they have things that are important to them.
One way to lead from here is to say “I’d like to figure out the plan for X. I have some thoughts and first I would love to know what ideas you have or things you want to make sure get done/are covered.”Ask if there’s more
Note: This is very hard to do when you immediately see holes in the idea. Fight that instinct to be very smart, and try not to show how efficiently you can sink their battleship.
Sun Tzu in “Art of War” describes this essentially as letting the other person put all their cards on the table. In his book it’s about defeating the enemy, and in your case the enemy is the conflict itself. It’s about creating trust because as they put the cards down you’re not lighting them on fire.
Questions that expand understanding:
“Is there more?”
”Ok, can you explain this part?”
“Say more about this part and the results there?”
”What is important about this particular plan for you?”
Give them space and time, even silence to gather their thoughts, as they work through their idea.
Prioritize learning and curiosity over being right.Be curious and reflect/mirror to understand
When you think you understand, say
”Let me make sure I understand your plan.” and repeat what you think their idea is.Listen.
When they reply, let them completely finish. Don’t interrupt.
This is actually the magical ingredient.
You will find that some people with whom you use this tool will say things like “No, that’s not quite what I meant” and effectively talk themselves around to a solution you understand or like better.
They may say “yes, that’s exactly it” in which case you move into the “yes and” portion of the conversation (more in the next article).
Or they say no and explain in terms you fully understand. In this case, you have learned something about how they think and what’s important to them, even if you don’t share their views.Do step C until they reply that yes, you do understand what they are saying.
CAVEAT:
In some scenarios, people refuse to come to the table for their own reasons. All the parents out there, I see you. I use this tool at home and my 12 year old often says “Daddy, stop asking just do X my way!” In those scenarios, stand firm in your empathy: you want to understand and keep seeking that before making a decision with as much non-judgmental calm as you can.
AND THEN?
Once you fully understand, then you can move to the synthesis of ideas and presentation of a solution. That’s coming in Part II.
READY FOR THE NEXT LEVEL?
These tools DO work, and they work better with a Coach.
If you are CURIOUS, click below to find out if Coaching is right for you.