Working Wonder
Creating your own clear skies ahead
It was the lowest moment of my life.
I’ve written about this before and found a new insight this week about how I got out.
It was 2021. I had sunk every ounce of my energy, used every bit of patience both of mine and my family’s, tried every creative path I could find, to bring a dream project to life. For reasons that belong in another blog post, I couldn’t save the project that was my dream and I walked away.
The feeling of just having “wasted” all that time and energy and goodwill, it sunk me into an indescribable low.
I remember late that Spring into Summer, barely getting out of bed. I would make dinner for my family, set it down, and go back to bed while they ate.
I was a ghost.
The only thing I could see was the lost opportunities, the big project that failed, the people I failed, and unknown other opportunities that I passed by while I was singularly focused on this one big project.
I ruminated. Things I could have done. Things I could have said. It consumed me.
I was sad, angry, and felt helpless.
I certainly didn’t feel creative.
My wife would ask me how I was and I’d be honest. I’d get sucked into retelling every painful detail of how I felt wronged.
She was very patient, and one day she gave me some advice. And the funny thing is, now, 3 years later, I’m hearing new wisdom in her words.
This was the beginning of not just climbing out,
but finding a passion that has fueled me ever since.
First, she told me that she needed to focus on her work and the family. She wanted me to have a place to vent, and needed a break from being the only place. Let’s all sit in awe of her incredible ability to hold boundaries.
Speaking of awe… this was the second part of her advice.
“You have to figure this out, at some point.
There’s no rush, but you have to be the one to do it.”
Yes, that’s exactly how it works. Nobody was going to swoop in and fix my life, I had to do … whatever that looked like. And I had her support in doing that work.
You’d think she had a coaching certification :)
When I was gifted that space and time, my focus on the past started its long fade.
And now I realize why.
I was holding on so tightly to the past because I didn’t have an obvious future. My dream just died and without a north star, all I had to hold on to was the past. I love solving puzzles, and was deep into solving the past which would never actually happen.
Suddenly I had permission to just be. It was ok to not be in a rush and to not have a grand plan for the future. It was a moment of incredible privilege, yes, and it is also something I’ve found in small ways since then even in times of intense work.
It was permission to experience awe.
And I did. I took that summer and spent it with my kids, did a lot of touching grass. I noticed and got good at noticing. And when I allowed myself to notice the good things around me, including the mindblowing fact that I get to exist at this particular time on this particular planet and this wildly improbable plane of existence, I noticed how grateful I was to be who I am.
This “being present” and “connection to wonder,” is not an unproven platitude.
A white paper called “The Science of Awe” out of UC Berkeley1 summarizes:
Awe experiences may bring with them a host of physiological, psychological, and social effects. For example, studies have found that feelings of awe can be accompanied by heart rate changes, “goosebumps,” and the sensation of chills, and there is some evidence that awe may even decrease markers of chronic inflammation.
Dr. Dacher Keltner, a psychologist at the University of California and author of “Awe: The New Science of Everyday Wonder and How It Can Transform Your Life”2 Berkeley reported in
I actively practice the awe of moral beauty, contemplating a mentor, or the kindness of strangers in the streets, or the symphonies of laughter of children.3
Looking back at my own story, it makes so much sense that nurturing a connection to awe and wonder would have a positive effect on my own mental state and creative drive.
Quick client story outlining the impact this can have.
I had a client who knew she wanted a change. She was fully burnt out from working in tech and was ready to leave her job. During my time with her as her coach, she did.
And then the gremlins crept in. The fears, the inner critic, the self-doubt.
I gave her homework: once each day, go for a wonder walk.
She walked with one destination: noticing and feeling awe about everyday things.
In a matter of weeks, she had noticed that so much of the worry was gone.
The next steps on her creative project were clear.
Communication with those close to her had shifted.
In 2021 I would get in the car and drive through the beautiful landscape of upstate New York and see none of it. I was too consumed with things beyond my control. I would miss the incredible harmony of nature, the sun through the trees, the roads that lead me and my passengers to an activity on this earth in this year that couldn’t have existed at any other time. None of it could get through my own mental defenses built out of an attachment to the past.
Things are different now.
Now, I get in that same car and I wonder. I wonder about how the key to the car was made, how the roads are maintained, how the different trees exist, are rooted, and sway.
And this sense of awe and curiosity has made me more creative, bold, and resilient with my work as a coach.
Now things are different. Yes, I have setbacks, I have people I disappoint, I have projects that fail, and I have a new story about who I am. What I’ve created in these past few years, so much of it comes from this connection to wonder, awe, and pure and simple curiosity.
I’m so grateful I got to discover the person inside me who has the capacity to feel and share these ideas.
Epilogue…
Yesterday, I also suffered a physical setback as I tore a rather important tendon in my knee. It was an accident, nobody’s fault, and is going to require some attention over the next weeks and months.
Another thing to stew on and “should” all over.
And, things are different now.
As I drove home and made my way back to Brooklyn, my knee complained and stiffened. Soon, the urban landscape rose before me. The trees and hilly views of upstate gave way to off-ramps, buildings, and skylines. The sun was just about to set beyond the high-rises of Manhattan, and the buildings I drove past basked in a warm light.
Things are different. I noticed.
I sent a text (hands free voice-to-text!) to my wife. An offering of awe, maybe a deeper connection around wonder, and just maybe a moment of clarity.
”Look outside. The light hitting the buildings right now is gorgeous.”
EXERCISE
In the story above, I got a whole summer to simmer. We don’t all have that privilege AND things are different now. As you’re building a passion project, or trying to reconnect to your own creativity, you can exercise and grow your own connection to awe, wonder, and presence.
Take a moment each day. 5 minutes, a 20 minute walk, or during your commute.
Remove distractions. Turn your phone fully off if you can.
Unfocus your gaze (unless you’re driving!!)
Now refocus it.
What does it fall on? A book? A chair? A window? A mailbox? A tree? A subway hanger strap?
What can you wonder about it? Someone discovered the material it’s made of. Someone invented a machine to build it. Someone decided it was needed, paid for it, installed it. A million things went into the creation of our everyday life. Start to notice these things.
Outcomes
After a week or two of noticing and nurturing awe, what do you notice or feel about yourself? I’m going to bet that things start to feel different.
Awe: The New Science of Everyday Wonder and How It Can Transform Your Life
https://amzn.to/3XjZcZB
How a Bit of Awe Can Improve Your Health
https://www.nytimes.com/2023/01/03/well/live/awe-wonder-dacher-keltner.html
The Science of Wonder
https://www.mindful.org/the-science-of-wonder/