Art © Marc Scheff
If you ask a manager or team-leader, exec, CEO, or entrepreneur, the biggest challenges they face are interpersonal. Effective teams work with smooth communication, and when there is Resistance that has to be addressed first.
If you've read my Puzzle of You article then you know how to filter out your environment to best support whatever change or transformation you are up to.
The harder obstacle here is that to create a new way of doing things we are often creating a new way of being. And we already know that this is a hard transformation to pull off inside of a machine that is used to you being the old you.
A HELPFUL DISTINCTION : TWO KINDS OF RESISTANCE
There are two kinds of Resistance from people and your environment when committing to personal change. You'll see this with those people, actions, and environments that either ACCOMMODATE or REJECT your desired change.
I'll share here two examples from my own life of these kinds of resistance, my two solutions, and then a tool you can use at home to identify, resolve, and move through resistance.
RESISTANCE
The two kinds of resistance are:
Conflict (overlap)
Distance (disconnect)
CONFLICT
I have a Coach (all good Coaches do, fyi). I actually have a few.
With my business coach, we laid out a plan for writing and sharing on social media.
With my growth coach, our group was challenged to go on a "media fast," and some folks went so far as to delete all social apps from their phone.
I had a conflict between what I was asked to do.
I was faced with an existing commitment and a change that would directly conflict with my previously set goals.
This is Conflict Resistance.
DISCONNECT
And here is a very personal example. In my latest newsletter, I shared about my 5am Club experiment. This is a change from my usual stay up late working habit. Since I'm in bed by 9, I was very worried about losing all that “productive” time. It seemed like lost hours every night would really add up and my. productivity and even my identity as a many-hatted superhero might disappear.
This is a disconnect. Disconnect from an activity that is part of who I am.
RESOLUTION : CONFLICT
In my Coaching Conflict example, on the surface there was no way to be on and off social media at the same time.
When faced with a seemingly unresolvable conflict like this, you can almost always find an answer by looking past the request and straight to intentions.
The requests were in conflict: be on, and be off.
The intentions were not.
My business Coach and I want me to be regularly sharing and talking to people online
My growth Coach and I wanted me to limit inputs so that I could allow explore who I am without distraction
Take these two intentions, mash them together, and we have a new action.
Share and talk online, don't "doomscroll," go down rabbit-holes, or mindlessly entertain.
DISCONNECT : RESOLUTION
Again, the two desires in conflict.
Get productivity time.
Sleep at 9, get up at 5.
No, I did not choose to work in bed.
And the intentions again were clear.
The action here (and it feels silly to even type out): get time to work when I'm not sleeping.
Now, guess what time it is as I am writing this :)
Again, we mash up the intentions for a new action.
Get in bed at 9, do work things between 5 and 7:45 when I take my kid to school. It turns out that 5 and 6am, just like 9 and 10pm, there's very little else to do than focus on your projects. There's no offices open, no doctors you can call to make appointments, and on top of that there's a clear end time which I find a little more motivating to complete tasks.
THE TOOL :
IDENTIFY RESISTANCE
PARSE OUT INTENTION
COMBINE INTO ACTION
It's right there in the headline.
When you are creating change and feeling resistance, pull out a piece of paper, and answer the following to get to your solution:
IDENTIFY RESISTANCE
Is it conflict or distance?
With whom or what?
PARSE OUT INTENTION
What does that person/activity want?
What is the intention behind it for you?
COMBINE INTO ACTION
Take those intentions and put them side by side.
Edit, if necessary, into a new action that SUPPORTS your desired change.
Try this exercise now with something small and “easy.” Leave your results and questions in the comments below, I reply to every one personally.