You're Ok Now
What I learned about achieving potential from trauma coach training and a car crash
The same tools used to heal can be repurposed to motivate you to build your next chapter and create a deeper impact than you previously thought possible. I know this from hundreds of hours of mentoring, Coaching, and teaching. I also know this because I experienced using one such tool for both purposes.
Call this irony, or serendipity: shortly after completing my Trauma coaching course, I was involved in a car crash.
I want to share the most valuable tool and lesson from the, frankly, shocking event.
First, nobody was hurt in the crash, zero physical injuries. We were all lucky on that front.
That said, I can tell you that a car crash is a traumatic experience. The same symptoms show up as with other kinds of trauma, varying in severity of course. Involuntary flashbacks, looping/rumination, along with fear of other worse outcomes, revisiting decisions, and so many questions about what might have been.
In my trauma training, I learned to use and identify tools for dealing with trauma in a coaching context, both during and after a traumatic experience like this one. Kudos to Marilyn Atkinson and Erickson Coaching for offering this important course.
What I didn’t expect is to use them so soon, and on myself.
Here’s what I saw and learned that day.
The Event:
Driving in Ireland, our car was involved in a crash in a rotary. Details aside, after the impact, I pulled to to the side to safety.
The other car was sitting motionless in the middle of the roundabout.
I walked part of the way over. Everyone was clearly alive and in shock. Glassy stares greeted me as if to ask “what just happened?”
I waved the driver to pull out of traffic to where I had parked by the side of the road.
I poked my head in their window as they pulled over.
I said in as calm a tone as I could “Is everyone ok?”
They said yes, and looked around, yes everyone was.
“Ok,” I said, “Good. Everyone is ok” and they pulled over to us, out of traffic. We then waited, all together, for the local police to come and begin the process of reporting and insurance write ups.
During this time, I noticed the emotional impact on myself.
The Aftermath:
I began to feel the effects of shock.
I got quiet. I could feel emotions bubbling underneath and was struggling to keep them in check. I knew that losing my cool would not help and while I won’t say I presented a lighthearted exterior, I did not collapse.
But inside I was roiling.
The passenger in the other car was a woman perhaps in her 50s towards whom I continue to feel gratitude.
She got out of her car, and walked over. She focused on the good, everyone is ok. She didn’t go Immediately to rehashing what happened. This was good. This kind of immediate blame-game escalates emotions, and puts everyone back in the moment of trauma. When we do that, the brain and body continue to behave as if the moment is literally continuing to happen. All the fight/flight and cortisol spikes and Vagus nerve stress, it all continues. So she didn’t do that.
She asked us the same question. “Is everyone ok? Are there children in the car? Are they ok?”
After we established we were, there was, and he is, she said to us,
“Well, we say we’ve broken bigger crosses. Everyone is ok. Good. Everyone is ok.”
I also have to acknowledge my wife who, after we established everyone’s safety, was able to carry on a light conversation while we waited for the guards to arrive and take a report.
Still, I had some work to do to move forward.
Step one:
The first thing we were trained to when a coachee is either triggered by or is meeting shortly after a recent trauma is to bring the coachee into the present. Remind them that they are here and now and no longer in danger. Telling them that what you see is someone who is ok, safe, and out of danger will help them see it themselves.
Bringing someone to the present moment of relative safety signals the brain that the incident is in the past. It’s over and we are safe now.
And there is a shift inside the brain that supports this. As the coachee (or ourselves) shifts to feelings and understanding of relative safety, they/we can move from primarily Limbic (associated, present-thinking) into a balance with the Cerebral Cortex and Frontal Lobes (dissociated, future-thinking).
Why is this important?
Associated states are states in which you feel as if you’re there, as if you’re in the moment. With traumatic memories and PTSD flashbacks, this essentially tricks the brain into going into fight/flight mode and ongoing stress.
Dissociated states are ones where you feel as if you are watching events unfold. Dissociated states are useful in coaching as they are a position of safety from risk. In working with clients, this applies both to past trauma and to future planning where there’s other fears like fear of failure, success, or potential trauma.
My wife and this stranger did both of these things and it got everyone through the day.
Step two : Create new beliefs to move forward
In the days following, I used a few further techniques including various breathing and visualization exercises, EFT, good old asking for help and support from friends and family (including most notably my wife and father in-law who both helped me get past feelings of guilt and shame).
The most valuable tool that I carried with me in the days following was the mantra, “I am ok” or “Everyone is ok.”
Beliefs are just stories we repeatedly tell ourselves. Repeating this mantra begins to help your body believe.
Here are two exercises anyone can do when limiting beliefs or painful memories start to invade your thinking:
First, get grounded. Some version of 4-7-8 breathing
Breath in for 4 beats
Hold for 7
Breath out for 8 beatsNext, speak a mantra, slowly, and definitely out loud, maybe in a mirror
I am ok. I am safe now.
You can add other mantras, “Everyone is ok” or “They are ok too.” I like to include the phrase “Despite everything” or “What happened is in the past” and then “I am ok, everyone is ok.”
You can say this on a walk outdoors, connected to nature or a local park.
Within a few days, consistently using the practice above, I felt once again comfortable in my own skin. I had shifted a belief using simple repetition.
You can apply this to your own transformation
This also works really well when you’re NOT in an agitated state.
A coachee recently told me in a recorded testimonial that what I do as a Coach is (among other things) reframe and offer new perspectives. For example, a successful founder may not believe that they can do an even bigger project simply because they haven’t. They may be at the top of most people’s games, and still feel that fear of not being good, strong, or smart enough to make an even bigger impact.
The mantra exercise here works. Some examples for when you’re ready to take on the next big challenge.
You have done brave things.
You have courage.
You have the resources to find an answer.
You can ask for help.
Your friends want to share what they know.
You have good intentions.
You get things done.
etc
When I worked with these tools every day in a journal and sometimes a mirror, I experienced a deep sense of self-worth, self-love, AND I launched my first ever group Coaching program a few weeks later.
This tool works for all kinds of things. You can use it to manifest qualities you want, like courage, hopefulness, or even motivation. You can use it to get started on your dream project. You can use it to change who you believe you can be, and therefore who you are today.
I hope that a slightly deeper understanding of this tool is helpful to you.
If it is helpful, I would love to hear about your experience with it in the comments.
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DISCLAIMER: I am not a therapist. If you or someone you know is experiencing symptoms of PTSD, trauma, or other mental-health issues, please encourage them or you to seek professional medical help.