"WAITING FOR REPLY" MODE
The LED dashboard light of stuckness.
If you’ve been working hard for years on a personal or professional goal and it’s just not materializing, this article is for you. And despite the following opening, it’s not just about “letting go” to be happy.
Oliver Burkeman, in his worldwide best-selling book “Four Thousand Weeks,” has a counterintuitive method for managing time. The book is a calming landscape of wisdom, and upon one particularly sage hill might rest these simple words:
You can’t do everything. Stop trying to.
(I imagine these words written in monochrome leaf cuttings by Andy Goldsworthy.)
In my work as a coach, many people come to me struggling with this idea. How to be more productive, guarantee outcomes, and “have it all.” Burkeman (drawing from centuries of Buddhist wisdom) might say that you can absolutely have it all as soon as you realize that all you have to do is love all you have.
So how does this work if you have, say, any ambition in life?
This is you if “acceptance” sounds a lot like “settling.”.
Loving all you have is great, but the fact is you do want more. You have friendship goals, relationship goals, project/career goals. And you do the work, set intentions, have practices, create a vision and manifest the sh*t out of it.
And so what happens when all your work isn’t paying off?
I have a number of clients who showed up in this place.
Years of work, focused on a goal, clear on what they want, and despite all this energy, intention, personal and professional work, it feels like nothing has changed.
How do YOU know if you’re in this place?
Well, what is your inner voice saying right now? It might sound like “Marc, it’s not LIKE that it IS that! Look at the evidence! I’m still working on this ____, this _____, and this _____. I know exactly what I want and it’s still not happening.”
The “having it all” stuck place looks like this.
You have goals and projects.
You want to be productive.
You want friendships that feels a certain way
You might want a romantic relationship that feels a certain way.
You want to be all zen, sure, AND you want to juice the fruit of life too.
And you work hard, set intention, and it’s not paying off in the way you want.
I have lots of clients who struggle with this.
One client, let’s call him “Grover,” was in exactly this place.
Then we discovered a pattern. Every item on his list of personal and professional goals felt stuck. And if we had a blinking LED dashboard light on every single one they would all read “waiting for reply.”
“Waiting for reply” is like a slow death for self-worth.
“Waiting for reply” tells you that you’re waiting for external validation.
And before you protest, yes of course there are times when you do have to wait for someone to reply. But check yourself, are you rationalizing? Is the reply you’re waiting for not going to come? Are you going to the hardware store for milk? Are you hoping that the hardware store might notice you keep showing up and decide to start stocking milk?
If having it all depends largely on other people giving it to you,
you’re in for a disappointing ride.
Back to Grover, here’s how we got out of the loop.
Remember Grover, Mr “Waiting for reply.”
“What if,” we asked, “external validation didn’t exist?”
This question is the kind of thought experiment a good coach will ask a client. And a good client even if they are 100% sure they’re “doing it right” will still be willing to play these questions out, to “be in the question,” as we say.
“What if…” we lived in a magical alternate universe where people were not capable or allowed to validate each other, what would he be looking for then?
“Permission.”
When a client takes a breath, takes a moment, and comes back with a single word, it’s often a mic-drop kind of moment. This was no exception.
And what does permission have to do with having it all or “waiting for reply?”
Peter Shankman (author, speaker, #1 rated podcast host, listen to my guest episode here) says
“If you want to live a life you haven’t lived, you have to do things you haven’t done.”
“Things you haven’t done” is NOT just about goals, it’s about how you get there. It’s about what is in your control. It’s also about moving on from people and places that aren’t working for you.
Permission is how you get OUT of these dead ends.
In Grover’s case, permission looked a lot like giving himself permission to stop investing in relationships and friendships that didn’t feel fulfilling or supportive. It meant making some changes to his team at work. It meant starting some of those projects before someone else approved of it (in small ways, with a coach :) ).
So, ask yourself.
Where in your life are you “waiting on reply?”
If someone with your exact life asked you for advice, what would you give them permission to do?
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Below is a link to a comprehensive Energy Tune Up worksheet.
When you fill it out, add these questions at the end.
Which gains are you waiting on permission to invest more?
Which drains are you waiting on permission to invest less?
Which one are you willing to give yourself permission, right now?